A Struggle Right Now

[written on vacation near Lake Tahoe the day of the Uvalde school shooting]

I'm unsure how to balance feelings of anguish, devastation, frustration, and confusion with the fact that I’m resting and playing in a lovely place. My heart breaks at recent news. I’m angry. I feel helpless. I don’t know what to do. But I’m also just out here living my life, having a good day.

It feels odd to know of such tragedy and hardship all around and then just spend the day laughing, hiking, mini golfing, sightseeing. It feels wrong.

Throughout human history we knew what was happening in our own home and with others in our tribe, village, or town. Our world was small. Perhaps we heard news from neighboring villages at times, but mostly, we knew of the joys and sorrows of a small number of people.

Technology now allows us to know the joys and sorrows all around the world, within moments. Has our capacity to process it kept up with our ability to know about it? I’m not sure.

There have been times in my life where I’ve sat vigil, waiting for a loved one to die, and been baffled to see people on social media posting about their waffles or Disneyland trip or their new haircut. Their lives were going on while mine was in a horrific standstill.

I tried not to begrudge them. It’s true that at any given moment, someone is experiencing the absolute worst thing to ever happen to them while someone else is having the best thing ever. Or even just a mundane day that they’ll never mark with a solemn anniversary.

I have NO answer to this. It’s part of our interconnected human condition. I struggle with how to respond to tragedy, both for people I know and those I’ll never meet. How to navigate my days when I know others are in tremendous despair? And to handle my own hard days while not being puzzled by others who are blissfully unaware of my pain.